How to tell someone they gave you an STI

Finding out you have a sexually transmitted disease (STI) and managing the symptoms can be distressing enough as it is. Having to then tell the person who gave it to you adds a whole new layer of stress and anxiety that you probably feel you could do without. But it’s important that they know and get tested as soon as possible, too. 

While you may feel very alone right now, please know that you’re actually far from it. STIs are incredibly common, and chances are that many people you know have gone through something similar. Conversations about STIs and safe sex are a normal part of having an active sex life. With a little preparation and some advice on what to say from our expert, you can feel more empowered to tell someone they gave you an STI.

Key takeaways

• If test results show you have an STI, telling your current partner and any recent previous partners is essential for protecting both your sexual health and theirs.
• Preparing for the conversation can make a huge difference. Try to get the facts straight first, choose the right moment, and approach the conversation with compassion.
• You should encourage them to get tested and make sure you’re both getting the treatment you need.
• It can be a horrible experience to go through, but STIs are more common than you probably realize, so you’re not alone. Try not to give yourself a hard time or blame yourself for what’s happened.

Why you need to talk about STIs with your partner (or partners)

If someone has given you an STI that they might not know about, it’s very important that you tell them. Not only do they risk developing serious health problems by leaving it untreated, but it’s possible they might not have any symptoms and be infecting others unknowingly. In some cases, if they don’t get treated, they could pass the infection back and forth with you. 

It can be harder to broach these topics outside the context of a committed relationship or if it’s with someone you don’t know well or trust. Depending on where you live, you may be able to access a service that will send your partner(s) an anonymous text or email to let them know that they could have an STI (take, for example, the US service Anonymous Text). 

However, if you can, having open communication around sex and STIs will not only help you stay safe but can be key to a fulfilling sex life. 

“A lot of people find it really hard to talk about sexuality! But talking about sex and STIs with a partner has a lot of benefits,” says Flo expert Ellen Friedrichs, MA, multifaceted health and sexuality educator, City University of New York, US. 

She continues: “For one thing, talking about sex is actually a way to make it safer. Fear can prevent people from discussing things like using a condom, STI testing, or having an STI. Another benefit is that you can share your boundaries, likes, and dislikes.” 

Having a sex-positive conversation before you become intimate with someone can help lay a strong foundation for any issues that may arise later. “There is no rule about what you need to discuss, but the more comfortable you are with someone, the easier any conversation will be,” says Friedrichs. 

How much you want to discuss or share is, of course, entirely up to you. “Some people find sharing sexual histories is really important for them,” says Friedrichs. “Others are content with the assumption that they will use protection and practice safer sex until a time when they may choose to reassess. Either way, making sure you are on the same page about protection is a really good idea.”

As well as discussing sexual health with your partner, you can help them learn more about your cycle by introducing them to Flo for partners. The app can help educate your partner about what’s going on with your body and how your cycle symptoms might change from day to day. 

Know you’re not alone

You may be surprised by how common sexually transmitted diseases are. More than 1 million people catch STIs every day worldwide, and one in five people in the United States have an STI on any given day. By some estimates, it’s thought that almost everyone will catch the world’s most common STI, which is human papillomavirus or HPV, at some point. So, the chances of getting an STI at some stage are high for both you and your current or previous partner. 

But thanks to the stigma, people don’t talk about their experiences of STIs openly or often enough. This can make it easy to feel like you’ve failed in some way if you catch one. If this is the case, try to come back to the facts, and don’t beat yourself up. “Remind yourself you are not alone,” says Friedrichs. “You are not ‘dirty,’ a terrible person, or someone who will never be able to have sex again. STIs are treatable and common.”

Prepare for the conversation

You certainly don’t need to be an expert on the topic, but before telling someone they gave you an STI, it can be helpful to understand the infection as best you can. After all, there are plenty of STI myths out there, like the idea that condoms provide 100% protection. (While condoms protect against most but not all STIs, they are still important.) “If you know more about the specific STI, such as what the treatment options are or how to get tested, it would be great to share that,” says Friedrichs.

It can also be good to do further research together after having the conversation. But to get you started, here are a few general STI facts that can be helpful to know: 

• STIs are spread through sexual contact, including vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Some types of STIs can also be spread through contact with skin, genitals, mouth, rectum, or body fluids.
• Condoms are the only form of contraception that can protect against pregnancy and STIs. However, it’s crucial to know that although they are very effective at protecting against most STIs, condoms can’t completely eliminate the risk of catching one. 
• The majority of STIs don’t have any symptoms. When there are symptoms, the most common ones are vaginal discharge, discharge or pain from the tube that you pee from, sores around the genitals, and pain in the lower belly.

Have the conversation as soon as possible 

After getting a positive test result, you can help prevent any further spread by having a conversation with your current or previous partner(s) as soon as you can. However, you ideally want to strike the right balance between getting them tested ASAP and being considerate of their feelings and schedule. 

“If possible, try to be thoughtful about your timing,” says Friedrichs. “Don’t try to talk to [them] if they are running late or text them when they are in the middle of a work day.” 

She continues: “Think about how you are feeling too. Are you rage-messaging or starting a conversation you don’t have the time or bandwidth to finish? Have you been able to process how you feel first? There may not be a perfect time to broach the subject, but there are certainly times that are better or worse.” 

Choose the right environment for you

Think carefully about whether having the conversation in person or virtually would feel more comfortable for you. There are no right or wrong answers — it all depends on your personal preferences and the nature of the relationship in question. 

“If you are someone who prefers face-to-face discussions, make sure you have privacy and try to pick a time when you won’t be rushed or interrupted,” says Friedrichs. “Of course, you also want to make sure you feel safe in whatever environment you choose. If that is a concern, being in a public space, like a park, may be the right move.”

There’s nothing wrong with having a sexual health conversation online, which may feel like the most appropriate option if it’s with someone you’ve only met once or twice. “Some people are just more comfortable with digital communication, and that’s fine too,” says Friedrichs. “But remember, if you choose this method, you can’t control how long it will take the other person to respond, and you won’t be able to fully gauge their reaction. Because of this, you may want to call or video chat so you have a little more of a read on how your partner is reacting.”

Practice healthy communication 

Communication is something many of us find difficult at times — especially when it’s over a sensitive topic like sexual health — so it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous. The following tips can help you feel more prepared. 

• Start from a calm and compassionate place:  “Try to remind yourself that most people who are sexually active have been exposed to an STI and that it is possible that your partner didn’t know they had an infection,” says Friedrichs. “It can be easy to enter a conversation in anger and with embarrassment, but the less you position an STI as something shameful, the better able you will be to deal with the issue and have an open and productive conversation.”
• Be direct and factual: Friedrichs recommends starting off by saying something like: “Hey, I just came back from the doctor, and it turns out I have [name of STI]. It’s probably a good idea for you to get tested too.” If you’ve already started treatment yourself, you can reassure them that the infection is easily treated and explain what the next steps are. 
• Avoid making accusations or shaming: “Even if you know you contracted an infection from someone, they might become defensive when you bring it up,” says Friedrichs. “So, if at all possible, try to frame the conversation less as an accusation and more as information sharing. That being said, you are entitled to your feelings, and if you are upset, you are allowed to express that! But try to avoid shaming or condescending language since that can be a surefire way to see your partner shut down.” 
• Let the other person talk: Once you’ve delivered the news, give the other person a chance to ask any questions and share how they’re feeling. They might get upset or angry, but you should not be made to feel guilty — you’ve done the right thing by telling them. Try to listen to their feelings, but if things get too heated or they start behaving disrespectfully, you can leave the conversation. 

Make an appointment 

As well as encouraging your current or previous partner or partners to go for their own STI testing, you should make an appointment to discuss treatment options with your health care provider if you haven’t already. 

“If you are going to continue being sexually active together, you will likely want to talk about practicing safer sex by using a condom if you haven’t already been doing that,” says Friedrichs. “Or you may choose to set some clear boundaries about keeping each other safe moving forward.” 

Keep an open mind

STIs are a more normal part of life than most people realize. Given how common they are, many — if not most — people will have difficult conversations about STIs at some point in their lives. If you can keep an open mind and resist the stigmas surrounding these types of infections, it will likely help your partner to do the same. By approaching the conversation thoughtfully, with compassion and armed with the facts, you stand the best chance of it going smoothly. It may even make your relationship stronger.