Initiating sex can make you feel vulnerable and exposed because it opens you up to the possibility of getting rejected. With some communication with your partner, though, you can better appreciate that turning down sex is not a personal rejection. With that understanding, it’s not quite as daunting.
The goal of initiating sex is not just to have sex. When someone initiates sex, they usually want their partner to want it too. Remember that your partner might have different sexual desires than you do. What gets you excited may be a complete turn-off for them. If you’re unsure how to initiate sex with your partner, the first step is to talk about it.
Everyone wants to feel desired. A common phenomenon among couples in long-term relationships is that they experience a dry spell in which neither partner is initiating sex at all. Whatever the reason may be, this leaves both people feeling undesired, wondering why their partner doesn’t want them.
The solution is simple, but not necessarily easy. It requires an open dialogue about sex. Talking about initiation preferences, preferred frequency of having sex, types of touch that do and don’t make you feel good, and more, can really improve your sex life, which can do wonders for your relationship.
Sex brings people closer together. It creates an emotional, physical, and spiritual bond. On a purely biological level, sex causes the release of oxytocin, which gives you that warm, fuzzy, post-sex high.
How you choose to initiate sex should be in line with your partner’s initiation preference. Does your partner prefer verbal or physical invitations to sex? Do they want to be approached subtly (e.g., flirting, “accidental” touching, etc.) or directly (“Want to have sex?”)? Does your partner like to be surprised or prepared?
The answers to these questions should give you a good idea about which of the following creative ways to initiate lovemaking will work best for you.
- Verbalize your desire for your partner. There’s a big difference between thinking that your partner wants to have sex because they’re horny or because they desire you specifically. Make your partner feel special with compliments, dirty talk, and reminders about how much they mean to you.
- Approach them directly. Sometimes a simple “You in the mood for a quickie?” can go a long way. Just ask. You may be surprised by the speed at which your partner answers.
- Touch lovingly. Build up the desire with a nuzzle here and a squeeze there. People who prefer subtle physical initiation might enjoy being hugged, stroked, kissed, or massaged to get in the mood.
- Be demanding. If your partner appreciates spontaneity, you can be demanding about what you want, physically or verbally. Push them up against a wall and start making out. Climb on top of them and strip. Command them to take their pants off.
- Text it. A long and slow buildup can be very hot for those who like to be prepared for sex. Start early in the day with a flirty message, and make the messages dirtier as the day progresses.
- Get naked. This can be a good method when you find it difficult to use verbal or physical cues, but you’d like to get your partner in the mood. Strip down to your birthday suit and hop into your partner’s side of the bed.
- Take a shower. If your partner just got in the shower, it may be a good time to decide that you suddenly need to shower too. Right. Now. Just get in there together and soap up.
- Get a prop. Buy something new to spice up your life in the bedroom. It can be a new sex toy, a flavored lube, an exciting bedroom game, or a book. You can present it to your partner or leave it somewhere for them to find.
- Use humor. You can agree on a silly signal or take an inside joke and run with it. Sometimes humor is the best way to get things going in the bedroom. Text your partner to ask what they’re doing. After they answer, write back “Well, I just bought a new outfit, and I wanted to show you how I look without it on.”
Sometimes all it takes to improve your sex life is to follow through with your desires by initiating in a way your partner will enjoy. Sex-positive dialogue can help you find out how your partner likes to get in the mood. If you do get turned down once in a while, don’t take it too personally. Make sure you didn’t overstep any boundaries, and try again another time.